Saturday, January 31, 2009

Deleted Scene

So here's a scene that never made it into Death's Dark Vale. I actually wrote it for a contest, thinking I would turn it into a chapter in my book, but...I just never found a place for it. To help you understand it, you should know that the contest had a prompt of "A man walks into a bar. Only it isn't a bar."
Enjoy
As the heavy wooden door swung open, several gray beards looked up in curiosity. A blast of frigid air accompanied the wisp of a man who entered, causing nearby patrons to pull their cloaks tighter around their shoulders. The man strained his shoulder against the large door until Bruce arrived from the far end of the room to assist.
“Thank you…” managed the man. His bare feet bled on the pitted birch floor as he made his way to the nearest available seat. A groan escaped his chest as he relaxed.
Bruce looked him over, noting his cloudy eyes. Many men arrived dirty, ragged, beat down. Edinburgh was, after all, a hard place and folks needed a place they could come for refreshment, encouragement, and company. So Bruce was never surprised when the broken came through his door…even when they arrived already smelling of alcohol, like this man. However, one glance into this man’s eyes showed that he reeked of deeper pain than most.
“Ale…or stronger, if you’ve got it?” said the man.
The man didn’t have long to live; hours perhaps. It would be best to humor him. Bruce found a clean glass and brought him a pint of the dark local brew. The man merely held it on his lap, loosely cradled by bony fingers.
“Aye, thank you,” said the man.
Bruce stared, hoping he wouldn’t spill the ale.
“I’m Bruce. At your service.”
“Sigurd,” he volunteered. “My name, that is.”
Bruce raised his eyebrows, hoping Sigurd would share more. This man had a story behind his ragged frame that others could learn from. Indeed, nearly everyone was watching him now. Sigurd took a careful sip of the ale. It prompted him to talk.
“This place is wrinkled with time…feels safe and dangerous at the same time,” Sigurd said. His cloudy eyes became misty. He looked around the large room and admired the charm and history inherent in the old space.
“I can’t pay you. I’m sorry,” Sigurd said. He lowered his eyes.
“No need,” said Bruce.
Sigurd raised his gaze to Bruce, and with calmness said, “My brother is dead.”
He took another drink of his ale, this time a long draught. “He was father’s favorite. The news of his death will surely be the end of father. I rather like my father.”
Bruce said, “There’s always hope. Everyone dies. You are still among the living however.”
Another long drink. Sigurd said, “All I want to do is die. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, but I’m too bloody yellow to make it happen.”
At this point, an elderly woman rose from a nearby seat and approached Sigurd. Bruce knew her as a regular. Last year she’d lost her husband to the sea near St. Andrews, and was here at least once a week ever since. She was anyone’s grandmum; even men like this one could find solace in her face. Her tears welled up as she silently embraced Sigurd then returned to her seat to weep in private. Sigurd looked truly shocked at the sympathetic display.
“I didn’t expect that…not here…” said Sigurd.
“Why not?” asked Bruce.
“Well, places like this have always been a burden to me. Only a burden. I’ve got a serious problem you see,” said Sigurd.
“You look like a man who needs someone to share with. I listen well,” said Bruce.
The clouds briefly cleared from Sigurd’s eyes as he looked straight at Bruce. He said, “If there were more men like you in your profession, there’d be fewer men like me in this world.”
“Men like you? What are you like?” asked Bruce.
The clouds reformed. Sigurd said, “I’ve killed my brother.”
Bruce raised his eyebrows in gentle surprise, hoping the troubled man would continue. But he shared no more.
Sigurd drained the last of his ale, set the glass down, and stood with another guttural groan. He offered his outstretched palm to Bruce, which was taken firmly.
The broken man opened the heavy door with increased strength and was able to pull it shut behind him.
Bruce said a silent prayer for the man. Then he made his way back to the front of the old chapel and finished his sermon.

5 comments:

  1. Hey, Josh. I see you are starting to put the time into the "business" of writing. Publishers will be looking for this kind of initiative and dedication, so you are on the right track to getting your book published. Keep it up!

    As for the deleted scene, interesting story. I like the subtext and the unspoken dialogue, and I love the idea that a pastor would serve someone an ale in the church - very inspired imagery showing a different ministry; albeit altered to affect Sigurd and his pre-conceived notions. It reminds me of Poe's "The Masque of the Red Death" http://www.online-literature.com/poe/36/ with a hint of William Carlos Williams "The Red Wheelbarrow" http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15537. Your story mirrors Poe's stranger at a gathering and Williams' attention to the details in the moment - i.e. Sigurd's bloody feet at once expressing so much more than the image itself.

    I'd love to see you explore more of the environment. Maybe you could add a song that the congregation is singing as Sigurd enters...after all most of the hymns started as beer songs. What is the title, or have you abondoned this story and left it on the cutting room floor? You shouldn't. There is some rich material here...work it over and see what you can create.

    - Chad

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  2. Also, I agree with Chad. You should keep telling this story. It's a great introduction to a character. It leaves you wanting to know more.

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  3. Hey Josh,
    I like it! I like the content, the detail. I agree with Chad that a hymn would have been a nice touch - another layer to the hook that he is in a church. Then again, I would not have thought of it if Chad did not mention it. It definitely does leave you wanting to know more, about the setting and the characters. Keep it up!
    Cris

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  4. Shocking. I didn't get any nasty emails or comments about drinking in church. Well, don't go ask your pastor for a pint this week. But do re-examine your thinking about the way Christians should treat people. Because inside, we're all weary and bleeding.
    Anyway, I do like this scene and I'll probably develop it into a short story, tangent to my book.

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